New Years, Old Tears!

Seems like I can't make it through a holiday without a few tears.  As New Year's Day comes to a close, we reminisce...blah, blah!  I would love it to seem like I'd been looking back through our trials and tribulations from 2011, but really, I started flipping through some photos of when the babes were still truly "babies."  This week, Gabe was awarded "Star of the Week" at preschool and we are supposed to send in a few pictures of him and his family, special toys to share with friends and a favorite story book to read for the class.  Along with these we (mama!) are supposed to fill out a cute little questionnaire about his hobbies, favorite movies, etc. 

So, we're making dinner (mini meatloaves that said kiddies actually helped make!), I'm flipping through these adorable pictures that really were from just three years ago and BAM!  Crocodile tears, sobs, dripping nose!  The whole nine yards!  Poor hubby was like, "I have no idea what to say to you!"  I'm saying, "They're so big!!"  He tells me that means we're doing our job right, but that doesn't make the pain in my chest loosen its grip.  I am horrified that I still have this hideous panic about my children not being babies anymore, that it is just as strong today as the weeks before I had to go back to the salon after my Darby was born! 

It doesn't matter that I know we probably won't have any more children.  I believe I will always be in denial that it's final.  As happy as I am with each day that passes raising my children to become big humans, I will never stop missing those precious beginnings with them.  Talk about a bittersweet start to the new year.  Here's to you, 2012!

Pre pre school?

We started Darby and Gabe in daycare/preschool one day a week last October.  They are 4 1/2 and 3 1/4, respectively.  Their "school" is 20 miles away, in the opposite direction from work and I don't love it there.  We just found out one of our best friends will be running an accredited Pre-K/preschool program this Fall-two blocks from my house!!!  Darby needs to prepare for Kindergarten, Gabe is a wild tornado of a boy and we need care at least two days a week.  I know we need to transition to a more structured schedule, since I am quite laissez-faire, and my stress would diminish greatly if I didn't have to rely so heavily on our moms, but really, I think I just feel like the rug is being pulled out from under my idyllic, relaxed life with my babies.  I know it would be good and healthy for all of us, (I'm not the most patient of people,) but I thought I would have a couple more years. I feel like I have the perfect setup for right now, working only three days a week and being a stay-at-home mommy the rest of the week.  How much "pre" do our kids really need for school?  Am I finding excuses to assuage my mommy guilt?  Am I holding them back for my own selfish reasons?  How do we know when we're justifying and when we're actually doing them justice?