This Might Take Me Out

My babes have always loved me swimming with them.  I even wear a cute, modern-retro halter one piece, conservative yet stylish.  Each year I've noticed a little gap widening between them and me...a bit more water for me, a wider swath of freedom for them, I guess.


Monday changed all that.  I found myself doing arm and leg circles against the wall at the 4-foot ladder, surrounded by water and other people's children.  Mine had hugged and splashed and front-flipped with goggles for a few brief moments, then vanished to the outer edges of my periphery.  This changes everything, I thought.  I'm never going back from this. 


It is a weird moment for my mom brain to compute.  I am tearing up a bit, but I also feel that stretch for independence for myself every now and then.  Even if I'm not ready for it, obviously it's here.  Well, obvious in that painful, I just figured it out because all the other moms are giving me "that look" from above their magazines in their lounge chairs.  I do have Cosmo in my bag...

Biting the Dust...

Um, Darby has her first loose tooth.  I am freaking out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I guess we are about to step off the ledge of toddlerhood.  I can do this, I can do this.

New Years, Old Tears!

Seems like I can't make it through a holiday without a few tears.  As New Year's Day comes to a close, we reminisce...blah, blah!  I would love it to seem like I'd been looking back through our trials and tribulations from 2011, but really, I started flipping through some photos of when the babes were still truly "babies."  This week, Gabe was awarded "Star of the Week" at preschool and we are supposed to send in a few pictures of him and his family, special toys to share with friends and a favorite story book to read for the class.  Along with these we (mama!) are supposed to fill out a cute little questionnaire about his hobbies, favorite movies, etc. 

So, we're making dinner (mini meatloaves that said kiddies actually helped make!), I'm flipping through these adorable pictures that really were from just three years ago and BAM!  Crocodile tears, sobs, dripping nose!  The whole nine yards!  Poor hubby was like, "I have no idea what to say to you!"  I'm saying, "They're so big!!"  He tells me that means we're doing our job right, but that doesn't make the pain in my chest loosen its grip.  I am horrified that I still have this hideous panic about my children not being babies anymore, that it is just as strong today as the weeks before I had to go back to the salon after my Darby was born! 

It doesn't matter that I know we probably won't have any more children.  I believe I will always be in denial that it's final.  As happy as I am with each day that passes raising my children to become big humans, I will never stop missing those precious beginnings with them.  Talk about a bittersweet start to the new year.  Here's to you, 2012!

Ruining a life...teehee!

Just a quick note to all you mamas out there!  My beautiful daughter, all four years of her, just said, "Mom, you're ruining my life!"  I said, "Really?"  Darling daughter replied, "Yes."  And she stalked back into the living room to finish the task previously assigned to her--picking up her toys.

I have to admit I wasn't expecting that phrase for a few more years, but I guess she's a sooner than later sorta gal.  Until it comes to cleaning.

Have a great day, ruining your poor children's lives with manual labor!
L

Right to Change

I wanted to update quickly...though I know it would be possible to go to night school, work and spend quality time with my family, I don't want to live that way for the next two years. If I could manage it that way, I can certainly manage working three days at the salon and raising my babies. I have to stop letting fear that I will not be able to change my future affect my now. Status quo is not always so bad, so if I really want to be true to myself, I need to just take a breath and enjoy the opportunity I have right now.