Holiday Happiness

I love Christmas.  I love seeing my children experience everything I have already done, and more.  This year, they really got into it.  Darby turned 4 in October and Gabe turns 3 in February.  Santa became an important part of our holiday tradition this year.  Though I've tried to keep family drama away from my kids, they've asked me, "Mommy, why're you cryin'?"  I can't explain, the whole family-drama component...but I love them more than I can explain, so I don't tell them all of the pain that can come along with family gatherings.  But we are still building our traditions, so hopefully we can make them loving, happy ones.  I have to say, things are always getting better, they're getting better all the time...:)

Rampant Rambles

I can do pretty much anything I want...or nothing at all. Life is pretty relaxed, yet I stress about it constantly. I just read through some of my old (talking 12 years, here!) journal entries, and I just can't believe the drama! Drama! It is like reading a soap opera script, blow-by-blow! I have come so far, yet so many of the internal issues are still there. It is so strange, reading my emotions from so long ago. So, I am trying to change, or stay the same, or be myself and my someone else, all at the same time. And try new things with this technology. A picture would be a great start, don't you think?

Benefit of Benefits

So I have been thinking about my life/work path for quite a time, now. I recently realized that I have been making myself completely miserable for not much reason. Though I do think it is vital to have a retirement and health insurance, I have been so focused on the fact that I don't have that with my current job, that I haven't been looking at the positives of what I do. Now, my hubby has great health insurance for our family, so that's not a problem. But we have already agreed that while the kids are still at home, what I do offers us the most benefit possible...making great money with very little time at work. Beyond that, I am really quite good at what I do, and it makes me feel good to help women look and feel their best. Fashion and glamour are my passions, so I've decided to give it my all for now, and see where it takes me! There are things I can do with it from this point: brand education, teaching, owning my own salon...mostly, I just have to really want to stay doing it. Retirement can be done (although probably not as efficiently) on my own, and other things, like disability insurance, can be purchased individually, as well. So, here's to paying attention to the benefits of my chosen career, for now, instead of focusing on the possible benefits I may or may not have today. Being home with my babies is the key benefit of my job now.

Mental Space

I feel so good getting my fingers tap-tapping away again! I have taken some blogging time off for this past month for several reasons. First, I have been struggling with intense stomach problems (again) and have just not had any mental energy to write. Second, I have been trying to evaluate my life (again) and have been using up all of my mental space!!! Finally, I have been trying to figure out what I want my blog to really say. Originally, it was to be a portal for my mommy-centric (and family-related issues!) creative/funny non-fiction prose. I am also thinking of doing beauty information, since I am a professional hairstylist and makeup artist! I am pretty much obsessed with beauty, glamour, fashion and all around making people feel good about their looks/images. More than that, I love the history of beauty culture and all the fabulous/infuriating things that come along with being a different gender than men in this culture/society. I love researching trends (past and present collide more often than you would think) and sharing them with people who are interested in listening to me run my mouth!!!

"Whatdoyousay?" came about as my title because I am Mommy to Darby (nearly 4) and Gabriel (2 1/2.) I found, early on in my toddler-rearing days, that all sorts of situations required a "What do you say?" response, most notably in the manners arena. But also, as I love a good double-meaning catchphrase, I also liked that it abbreviated What do you have to say? I have always felt I have something to say, whether it is about current events, or emotional jargon, or in agreement to that evening's dinner. So, since this blog started as a "just do it!" after researching all of my options for 3 months, it just kind of ended up as "Whatdoyousay?" So there...

Right to Change

I wanted to update quickly...though I know it would be possible to go to night school, work and spend quality time with my family, I don't want to live that way for the next two years. If I could manage it that way, I can certainly manage working three days at the salon and raising my babies. I have to stop letting fear that I will not be able to change my future affect my now. Status quo is not always so bad, so if I really want to be true to myself, I need to just take a breath and enjoy the opportunity I have right now.

Decisions, decisions

It doesn't have to be all or nothing. Real life rarely is. But sometimes you just have to make some sort of decision...and make it work. All this time I have been trying to figure out a way to make raising my kids, working and going to school work...the traditional methods I have been looking at have really been all or nothing. I have finally found a part time evening program that begins in the spring that fits my families priorities (being with our children) and current financial needs (being able to pay the bills!)

When I actually made the call to sign up for admission testing, I really didn't know how we were going to cover the cost of school, if financial aid was available, how much hair I would have to cut to pay the credit card if we had to use that (please don't judge--it would have been the last resort...) But once I made the decision to just DO it, everything has been falling into place. Financial aid is available, the schedule fits, and I get to start working on my future, without losing out on being with my children or my necessary income! I have found the best compromise for my life now and my life in the future...all I had to do was decide that I deserved it.

Getting What You Need

You can't always get what you want. But you just might find you get what you need. You've said a mouthful, Mick! Big picture is a comfortable living, meeting our needs and allowing for luxuries. Right now, we're in the little picture...caring for our children at home, working pretty much the opposite of my husband (though not full-time), trying to pay down debt and literally saving change in an electronic counting bank for Date Night. We are not going without, by any means. We are very fortunate we started curbing spending before we bought our house and had our children. But we could have spent less earlier!

We have learned to look ahead to big bills, like taxes, insurance, etc. Planning the year, financially, has been critical to our current success. We have also started a savings account! Yes, at 32 I finally have learned to save money for the things that we don't always see coming. I have really enjoyed to be able to write a check for things that a decade ago I would've just whipped out a credit card for. It feels good to have money to pay for things we need.

I have run the gamut of emotions for my financial past. Annoyance, depression, anger...toward myself as well as my parents for never teaching me financial responsibility. This range of emotion has culminated in the fierce mommy-money-mode that I will change the way we use money and credit, and I will teach my children how to spend, save and plan for their own futures. I refuse to make them feel shame about money.

But we are not where we want to be fiscally. Yet. We know how we want to live and how we want to feel about being able to provide for our future. And we are on the way. I know right now is an in between stage; I've got aspirations, concrete plans...I have seen success in small doses, and I know I want more! I am trying to find balance between being in the moment and planning for the future. My true priority is being the best mom I can and creating a happy, loving and comfortable home. Knowing the difference between the things we want and the things we need is just another daily lesson this mommy needs to remember along the way.

Patience

I am trying to breathe. It's quite alarming, at times, when I realize there seems to be no oxygen in my body. Some days are harder than others, with toddlers you never can tell! I have learned so much about myself as a person by being a parent. Some things I don't like as much, and I embrace the opportunity to improve myself as a human. My children deserve the best mommy in the world, and I have to admit, I struggle with patience sometimes.

I try to roll with things, but I am not very laissez-faire. I am planning a career change into nursing, but it will be another two years until I can begin school. I try to be patient and just enjoy each day as it comes, knowing that one day, my kids will be in chool and I will have the perfect opportunity at that point to go to school myself. But some days I just want to change it all! Not my husband, home, children, but just kind of reset my career button. Nothing I've done is a waste, but I just wish I had done a little more career planning when I was younger.

That is when I need to breathe and dig a little deeper for patience. My favorite thing is to be home with my babies. But since I have to work as well, I just need to remember that these are the things that I need to do to take care of my family. When I do continue my education, it will be for the same reason...to take care of my family. But I will also have the chance to take care of myself a little better, too. After all, I don't want to worry away these precious years that I have my babies all to myself! Once they start Kindergarten, they'll literally be in school for the next 18 years, with college. If they have the rest of their lives for school, then I guess I do too!! So I will harness Guns n Roses and try for just a little patience!!

Follow Through

Never been much of a "doer." I do things, yes, and I know things...I just never seem to plan something, especially with one of my friends, or my Life, and successfully complete it. So, I planned having my children. Success came quickly, I might add, tee-hee! Darby is 3 1/2 years, and Gabe is 2 1/3 years. I found something I was good at and just kept doing it! I loved being pregnant and I love being a mom. I was especially good at being pregnant...not so good at delivering tiny humans through the traditional methods, though. But I followed through! They certainly could not stay in there forever! Though a champion procrastinator, I could no longer prolong the surgical removal of my children. I tried labor and delivery, don't get me wrong. Twenty-one hours of drug-free agony, feeling at one with all women throughout history, a la Anita Diamant's "The Red Tent," only to find out my pelvic opening was too small for a baby. I don't want to be a complainer, but I have to say, that was not fun.

I want to do something, anything. I am a mom and I am so grateful for that. But I literally had to text my best friend, who just got her Doctorate in Pharmacy, that I am all talk and no action, when she asked me for the second year in a row, if I was going to run a charity 5k with her. How do I get these grandiose ideas of sending my girlfriend a "Congrats on the baby" by the 2nd birthday, or the "Happy Marriage", by the 3rd anniversary/second baby? Because I suck! Or I have let myself slide into the role of That Friend, or "Tired/Busy" Mom...Am I lazy? Rude? Forgetful? Overwhelmed???? Yes. All of the above. And, oh yes, lest we forget, Daugher of a BIPOLAR mom and BLAMEITONOTHERS dad. Can you say LIFETIME of FEAR OF FAILURE??????!!!!!! I detect some issues. Ironically, I can't think of a thing to write about.......